Everything is a process. I am still in the process of overcoming a multitude of sins on my part and my parents part. It is really difficult to say out loud things that might hurt other people. So, I sit here and struggle with how much to say, and how much to reveal about myself this early in the game. Sometimes, I even doubt myself, my story.
…well, I look back at all of the work that God has accomplished in me. I look back at who I used to be and who I am now. I see the differences in my personality, my thought patterns, and my way of relating to others. And I ask myself, how can my story NOT be real? How can I NOT share the things that MIGHT hurt other people?
I need to share for your benefit, and for mine.
I was born in 1970 to two hurting people. My mother gave birth to me carrying her own issues. Some of those issue were passed on. Some of which she continued to act out for the rest of her life which ended in an accidental overdose in her early 50s. My father I know less about, he is more of an enigma. My parents divorced when I was about 6. My mother remarried when I was about 9. I really liked my stepfather, and I’m pretty sure he liked me. I grew up confused and full of self-doubt. My mother did a pretty good job of contributing to these two elements. By the time I graduated from high school I really had no clue who I was, what I wanted from life, or anything else for that matter. I sunk into my first deep depression with a touch of dissociation. I spent the whole summer after graduating depressed, and conflicted.
I eventually got a job and met my first husband through a mutual friend. My mother and I got into an argument, she tried to hit me, so I left home suddenly at age 19 and moved in with my boyfriend. Unbeknownst to me, I was pregnant with my first son at the time. Not long after this sudden change in my universe, I started to experience flashbacks. I would get “stuck” in a frame of mind that was both completely foreign and completely familiar. I had no clue what was going on.
Fortunately, I started into counseling right away. I have been at it for 22 years. With the help of God, and other people, I have changed. I have been through many different kinds of counseling, individual psychotherapy, group counseling, inner healing, deliverances, to name a few. As a matter of fact, I just finished yet another turn at counseling with a wonderful person.
My life has been an uphill battle. I have struggled with Dissociative Identity Disorder (a total of 7 personalities of which are now fully integrated), sugar addiction, self-doubt, low self-esteem, flashbacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, clinical depression, ADHD, and few other things.
I have been on Prozac, Wellbutrin, Cymbalta, Xanax, Klonopin, Ativan, and a couple of other medications I can’t remember over the years. All helpful and useful tools for helping me with my struggle to overcome.
Right now I am not on any meds and am not in counseling. I feel pretty good, most of the time. I still struggle madly with anxiety and depression at times, but God and therapy gets me through.
I am almost done my Bachelor’s program in psychology and will be moving into a Master’s program for counseling at a local university. The goal is to professionally help others the way I have been helped. I now know that I was born with a gift of counseling and teaching. I must be what I was meant to be.
Annnnnd, I think I will stop here for now. I will reveal more information about myself as time goes on, especially as they pertain to what I am talking about.
Thanks for reading!
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