My stomach is in knots right now. I have never publicly stated my story before today. But, I promised that I would write about what did, or did not happen, this past Saturday.
I was supposed to meet with a gifted counselor to work on an important issue, only, it didn’t happen. Right now I am trying to deal with the reality of this issue moment by moment until I find release. Meanwhile, it is only by the grace of God that I am functioning normally right now.
I have suffered with dissociative identity disorder (I offered a link to Wikipedia here, but feel free to read about it wherever you like) for many years. Not in the Faces of Eve kind of way, I do not move in and out of full-blown personalities regularly. I am not Jane, or Jim, or any other person. I am always me. For me, this means when something traumatic happened, I would squirrel away a part of my personality somewhere safe in my subconscious. This has meant that sometimes, if a particular personality was present, I would only be able to see things from that perspective. I was still me, but my thoughts were one-dimensional.
In 2000, through some intense therapy, the Lord integrated 5 personalities. This was both good and strange. I no longer had 5 voices in my head, I had one voice, my integrated voice. It took a couple of years to get used to feeling multiple feelings at once. 11 years later, I can say I have successfully handled all the feelings a person can have in any given situation at once. I thought that this was the end of that episode of my life.
Recently, I have become aware of a personality. It hangs out on the edge of my consciousness. It is waiting to be brought back into the fold, if you will. Because the Lord has done this in the past, I know He can do it again. And, I feel certain he will. Just not yet. Excuse me while I remember to breath.
This personality is my sexuality. I experienced sexual abuse starting at around age 3. I know for certain that this stopped when I was 11 because my mother and stepfather moved us out to the East Coast. I had multiple abusers, but my father was most consistent offender. My childhood is fraught with confusion and pain. In the moments of this chaos, I hid away my sexuality somewhere else. And, this part of myself has stayed hidden all this time. God in His wisdom has decided that now is the time for this last piece of myself to be reintegrated into me. Because of this, my sexuality has been handicapped. It’s not quite all there. I cannot fully express myself. Some of what I have experienced as an adult has been broken, twisted, and tainted. I have fought to overcome Satan’s version of my sexual identity. Thoughts and feelings that I did not understand would crop up. I always knew that things were not quite right, but I did not understand until recently the full extent of my need. I need to be healed and put back together. And, only God can do this.
This is the last piece of the puzzle. I look forward to the day when I can welcome this last part of myself back to where it belongs. And, I hope that day comes soon.