My relationship with and my feelings towards my mother are complicated. Honestly, she was not a very good mother. In fact, I’d say she was was a terrible mother. It would be easy to just stop there and just hate her. Jesus won’t let me just hate her, hence the complicated feelings. My mother had it just as bad, or worse, as I did growing up. According to her story, her father abused her. He was also an alcoholic as was her mother. I never knew my grandparents, so I cannot attest to what kind of people they were. But, I don’t have any reason to doubt her story.
My mother just couldn’t deal with life. She was alcoholic, adulterer, and a drug addict. My mother was overbearing, confusing, mean, and selfish. I never knew if I was coming or going with her. I never really knew if she loved me or not. She didn’t believe me I talked about the abuse that happened with my father. She claims she didn’t know or notice anything.
When I was 19, I had met a man that was strong and tall and cared about my safety, or at least I thought so at the time. My mother threatened to to hit me one day, so I left with this man’s help. For the next 14 years, I kept myself separate from my mother. I tried for one year in the middle, until things went south again and I split.
Then my mother overdosed on opiate based painkiller about 8 years ago. This was quite a shock and started the present journey I am on trying to cope with both the relief I feel at her death, and the sadness that I feel because I was never able to reconcile with her.
So now, even after all these years, I still feel have confused and complicated feelings.
God wants me to forgive my mother, over and over again. He wants me to let go of my past and try to feel empathy towards my mother’s plight. He wants me to heal from the wounds.
So, I keep pushing forward and keep trusting that He knows best, because, well, He does know best.
Some day, perhaps, my feelings won’t be so complicated.