I haven’t been on here for a while, because a circumstance in my life pretty much sucks right now. Out of respect for those involved, I am not going to divulge the details at this time. Besides, this post is not really about the circumstance itself. Rather, this post is about my response to the circumstance.
I’d like to start by saying that what I am experiencing is completely new to me. The torrent of emotions is a bit terrifying because they are so strong. At this stage in this current reality, I either feel everything, or nothing. I’m either fully engaged in my terrifying emotions, or not at all. I want to spend enormous amounts of time by myself. I don’t want to cry in front of people (because I am already prone to crying at the drop of a hat, I cry about this without warning or much provocation) and have to explain myself. I think you get the point that there is nothing in between either option. Everyday is a fight to stay focused on life. I have to be able to “do” my life according to it’s rules. I still have a son to love and care for despite the circumstance. I have a husband who needs my empathy just as much as I need his.
Life has taught me that new experiences feel awkward, strange, and scary. My brain has to store the new experience as memories and grow new neurons based on those memories so that the experience becomes familiar and part of my brain-scape. Perhaps this is why a lot people dislike change so much, because the new experience takes time to get used to. But, eventually one does get used to the experience. One mostly knows what to expect, and (mostly) how to respond. The stored memories and new neurons give us a structure to rely on.
Being the intuitive, introspective, deep-thinking sort, I will learn things from this experience. After the worst of this is over, I will be able to look back and see the blessings, the bad stuff, the I-never-want-to-go-through-this-again stuff, even the happy moments. Next time, I will know how to respond to the circumstance, and to my own emotions. Next time, I might be able to find a middle ground between the terror and the numbness.
Despite the difficulties, I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.
I am grateful.